The Santa Claus Conundrum - Truth vs. Imagination - A Parenting Paradox

I have never lied to my sons.

Actually, I’m lying, I lie to my sons all of the time, and I presume that I will lie to my daughter when she is old enough to understand what I am saying.  It’s the Santa Claus conundrum that is causing me this angst.  Here is the reason why:

My number one goal as a parent has always been three-fold:

1. Create an environment for my children to grow up where they feel relatively safe.
2. Provide opportunities for my children to build their self-esteem.
3. Build a relationship with each of my children based on trust.

As you can see, it is number three that is challenged by the Santa Claus tradition.  In every other case I can think of, I tell my children the truth, and when they ask me difficult questions, I usually do not beat around the bush with the answer; however, I will try and soften the blow with a euphemism or two when one is available.  (There is the other death/religion thing that has come up several times already, but I just take the safe route with heaven and God and spirits and all of those chestnuts.  Perhaps that is another topic for another day.  Unlike Santa Claus, if there is a “final disappointment,” [see “Is That All There Is” by Peggy Lee] they won’t know it. )

…It is amazing how difficult this actually is for me.  I am not sure why I have such a hard time lying to them (other than that I tend to over-analyze some things,) but I think I might be on to something.

The problem with Santa Claus is that at some point, my children, one by one, will get to an undetermined point in their young lives when they will discover that he does not exist.

There are several movies that have addressed this issue over time.  The most popular being ‘The Miracle on 34th Street.’  Of course, Hollywood being what it is, Santa Claus turns out to be real and stumbles across the one girl in New York whose mother does not want her to believe such nonsense, so that movie is no help.

There are also famous scenes in movies like this one from Shirley Temple’s ‘Bright Eyes’ where the bratty rich girl pontificates that her psychoanalyst told her that there is no Santa Claus.

So, what is a parent who values truth, logic, AND imagination to do?

I posed that question last year at a Rotary Christmas party to some people who also had children.  I was just throwing it out there for some fun, post-eggnog discussion, but everyone looked at me like I had three eyes.  One person said, “Why do you think of such things, Karl?”  Another said, “Have you ever tried just to ask them what they think?”  (I am not sure they were going with that one.)

The next day, I searched the internet and found the following article titled, ‘The Delicate Matter of the Truth of Santa.’  You can read it yourself, but the following excerpt calmed my worries a bit:

“Forcing an elaborate Santa Claus story on children serves no good purpose for child or parent,” he said. “On the other hand, following the child’s lead in fantasy play about Santa Claus is likely to do no more harm than imaginative play surrounding Elmo or Mickey Mouse. Parents can respond to direct questions honestly with answers appropriate to their children’s developmental levels.”

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