“Vince Fumo: In search of Superman”

By: Joe Arentz, PA Taxpayer

Vince Fumo Knows how to live the Miller High Life.

Vince Fumo took greed and eccentricity to daunting new heights. Fumo, a recent former part of the Pennsylvania State Senate, was just freshly charged with all 137 counts of corruption against him, as reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer. Today, using public funds for private benefit isn’t a groundbreaking crime, but Fumo brought us a true comic book like approach to white collar crimes.

This guy not only bought clothes and (several) homes, but bought the same clothing to be placed in his scattered estates. Also, each home had to come standard with an Oreck vacuum. You’re preparing for something big when your making headquarters like that, and by the way, he bought some 300 or so guns? Also, for some odd reason, he felt it was necessary to purchase and keep several copies of the same book. I’m guessing that explained the high sales of Twilight.

This guy was a social Lex Luthor. He had an elaborate yacht, which I will dub “The Superboat”. Fumo loved to take exotic trips on his Superboat with his lady fare. With the Superboat as the final piece, the puzzle was solved: he was hunting for something powerful, maybe Superman himself. You’re going to need all the Oreck vacuums you can find if you want to take down the “Man of Steel”.If the Superboat didn’t dispense Fumo’s (publicly) paid goons on Wave Runners, Fumo definitely had his Kryptonite, “credit cards from a South Philadelphia nonprofit he controlled.”

This guy is looking at jail time, yet how ironic that he’s  living off the public dollar, still. Now that is villainous! Judge Joe’s sentence: throw him to his own “Better Neighborhoods” in Philadelphia with not a penny. Let him live in a city that accrued 332 murders in 2008 with no job and an awful credit rating.

“Lenten Catering: The fishy conspiracy in March”

Image via Wikipedia

By Joe Arentz: Proud Catholic

I never realized this before, but I am part of a powerful church. So powerful, that our 40 days of awesome bring the collective restaurant chains to our knees.

Now, Catholics are currently in “Lent”. The only info you need to know about Lent for this article is that we Catholics are not to eat meat (Excluding fish; I guess if you can’t breathe air you don’t count as a living creature) each Friday during these forty days until Easter Sunday. Lent is like Casey Kasem’s Top 40 Countdown, sacrificing something each day until we get to number 1. These days of abstinence are like Mr. Kasem mixing it up with those touching letters from listeners. Usually he’ll play a blast from the past as per request. It’s not what we want to hear, but we listen to it anyways.

Now, fast food chains don’t want to get punked by Red Lobster on Fridays, so they decide it’s time to premier fish sandwiches. Enter, Fillet-O-Fish!

Don’t worry Pope Benedict, Ronald McDonald and Co. has you covered!

Here are the restaurants which are either featuring fish products for the season (Or no meat items).

• McDonald’s- Choose between a combination of 2 Fillet-O-Fishes or Large Fries for $3.33

• Burger King- 2 fish sandwiches for 3 dollars in select areas

• Wendy’s-  I haven’t noticed a special price, but they’re hawking their fish sandwich like they have more class than their competitors.

Taco Bell- (See Image) At least they don’t beat around the bush, Eh?

What’s sad here? Is it how corporations can’t respect self-sacrifice (“we can’t abstain from profit, that’s unfair Jesus, you never owned a business”), or is it that some Catholics really can’t handle one day of modesty (“If I’m forbidden to have meat, I want the next best thing”). If you’re that desperate for a Big Mac, just wait until midnight like me.

21st Century and the 20th Century Boy: Twitter

By: Joseph Arentz

It’s been around for awhile, but I suppose the last of the dial up users finally got the message of the existence of a website known as “Twitter”. “Twitter”, in a nutshell, is a series of short updates, keeping followers informed of someone’s or something’s happenings.

If only Isaac Asimov warned us of the dangers of “Twitter” instead of robots. Back a decade or two ago, the modern world would be following Austrian cyborgs if they wished to live, or running for their lives on their 21^st birthday. We’re not even logging on to our Internet to ride on a cyber motorcycle. How can their be social networking and no Robocops?

Instead we get to keep up with menial updates from everyone. In addition to all your cool friends but America’s beloved B-listers, such as Hulk Hogan and William Shatner (you fell a long way from the captain’s chair, Shat) have an account. Government officials of course also harnesses the awesome power of Skynet, I mean Twitter, from our current President to the Israeli Consulate.

Bottom line here folks, doesn’t someone usually have to ask before we answer the question, “What are you doing?” Twitter: taking the fun out of stalking.