The Santa Claus Conundrum - Truth vs. Imagination - A Parenting Paradox

Posted: December 22nd, 2008 | Author: karlfrankjr | Filed under: Arts & Entertainment, Culture, Karl Frank Jr., Parenting, Religion | Tags: Belief, Christmas, Magic, Magical, Miracle on 34th Street, Mystical, North Pole, Parenting, Peggy Lee, Santa Claus, Shirley Temple |

I have never lied to my sons.

Actually, I’m lying, I lie to my sons all of the time, and I presume that I will lie to my daughter when she is old enough to understand what I am saying.  It’s the Santa Claus conundrum that is causing me this angst.  Here is the reason why:

My number one goal as a parent has always been three-fold:

1. Create an environment for my children to grow up where they feel relatively safe.
2. Provide opportunities for my children to build their self-esteem.
3. Build a relationship with each of my children based on trust.

As you can see, it is number three that is challenged by the Santa Claus tradition.  In every other case I can think of, I tell my children the truth, and when they ask me difficult questions, I usually do not beat around the bush with the answer; however, I will try and soften the blow with a euphemism or two when one is available.  (There is the other death/religion thing that has come up several times already, but I just take the safe route with heaven and God and spirits and all of those chestnuts.  Perhaps that is another topic for another day.  Unlike Santa Claus, if there is a “final disappointment,” [see “Is That All There Is” by Peggy Lee] they won’t know it. )

…It is amazing how difficult this actually is for me.  I am not sure why I have such a hard time lying to them (other than that I tend to over-analyze some things,) but I think I might be on to something.

The problem with Santa Claus is that at some point, my children, one by one, will get to an undetermined point in their young lives when they will discover that he does not exist.

There are several movies that have addressed this issue over time.  The most popular being ‘The Miracle on 34th Street.’  Of course, Hollywood being what it is, Santa Claus turns out to be real and stumbles across the one girl in New York whose mother does not want her to believe such nonsense, so that movie is no help.

There are also famous scenes in movies like this one from Shirley Temple’s ‘Bright Eyes’ where the bratty rich girl pontificates that her psychoanalyst told her that there is no Santa Claus.

So, what is a parent who values truth, logic, AND imagination to do?

I posed that question last year at a Rotary Christmas party to some people who also had children.  I was just throwing it out there for some fun, post-eggnog discussion, but everyone looked at me like I had three eyes.  One person said, “Why do you think of such things, Karl?”  Another said, “Have you ever tried just to ask them what they think?”  (I am not sure they were going with that one.)

The next day, I searched the internet and found the following article titled, ‘The Delicate Matter of the Truth of Santa.’  You can read it yourself, but the following excerpt calmed my worries a bit:

“Forcing an elaborate Santa Claus story on children serves no good purpose for child or parent,” he said. “On the other hand, following the child’s lead in fantasy play about Santa Claus is likely to do no more harm than imaginative play surrounding Elmo or Mickey Mouse. Parents can respond to direct questions honestly with answers appropriate to their children’s developmental levels.”

Unfortunately, the conundrum goes a little deeper than that with me.  It’s part of a bigger picture.  While there are plenty of things to look forward to in life, like Christmas, and birthdays, and weddings, there are also those times growing up that things are going to happen that are going to disappoint and deeply sadden you.  To me, the Santa Claus Conundrum is more than a paradox in parenting.  It is a desire in me to simultaneously protect my children from sadness and disappointment, while also providing them with magical, mystical, joy and excitement.

The real issue is whether or not the exposure of the falsehood of Santa Claus is the one thing that starts a child on a slippery slope of too much of the former.  (Don’t laugh.  Look at how many people are on Prozac right now.)  I say this because I have witnessed first-hand the severity of the disappointment caused when Santa Claus was revealed as a fake to my stepson.  To understand the disappointment, you have to put yourself in the head of an eight year old boy or girl, where in their mind; the world is full of magic and mystical possibilities.

So, here we are, one year since the Rotary Christmas party, and my boys - ages seven and six - are as excited as ever in anticipation of Santa Claus’s annual arrival.  My seven-month old daughter is about to experience her first Christmas, and we have watched ‘Frosty’, and ‘Rudolph’, and ‘Here Comes Santa Clause’ - enjoying our time together as a family.

These are priceless, irreplaceable times.  On one hand, I will never forget the tears that my step-son shed when he first found out that Santa Claus was not real, but on the other-hand, I won’t forget the joy my sons get from the idea of this fat, jolly, old man from the North Pole who brings boys and girls presents every year either.

There will be plenty of time to recapture my credibility with my children when they finally learn the truth, and hopefully they will understand that it is all in fun, as well as a cultural tradition.  More likely than not, there will be more pressing matters in parenting to attend to at the time.  Regardless, when I really think about it, what bothers me more than my children finding out that Santa Claus does not exist, is the melancholy I feel right now when I think of how this could very well be the last year that my seven year old son will believe at all.

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